I’m suffering this week from a lot of things. I don’t handle the holidays very well, but I won’t get into that crap. I took comfort that at the least, my Second Life was in tact in places my real life simply cannot be right now. I guess you can say that I took my friendships for granted. Okay… so it really wasn’t in a bad way. I mean, I expected that one of the greatest friendships I’ve ever known would always be there. Is that really such a bad thing to assume?

I’m one of those people who doesn’t put a barrier between her first and second life. If I feel something for someone in Second Life, then I’m really feeling it. My avatar is just a more fashionable extension of me that has a nicer ass. I feel like one of my friends really played on my emotions. I find myself feeling like I was always just a number to them… a body in the room, kept close in fear that the loss of my loyalty, could mean the loss of others. Well, they’re right… because that’s exactly what’s going to happen. The worst part is that they won’t really care. I’m just as easily replaced. Someone else will take my place in their life and they’ll think they are important and truly loved.

I put so much into this person… maybe even more than they ever really knew. I learned so much from them and I learned how to love differently. Or… I thought I did. Maybe that was just a bunch of bullshit on their part. I don’t know. I’d really hate to think that the last year meant nothing to them. But did it? Really, did it mean anything at all? They barely speak to me any more and I realize now that it’s because they’ve moved on to others. They keep themselves hidden from me on messengers, while I know they are online and talking to others. I’m not stupid. Please stop trying to treat me like I am. It’s not right and it’s not fair.

Right now, I’m fighting the urge to destroy things. It’s been such a very long time since I’ve encountered any serious, negative changes in my Second Life and this one is just… huge. Color me dramatic and immature… I don’t care. I just keep looking at everything we built together, all of the amazing memories and they’re haunting me. But I know if I just trash those memories, it won’t make me feel any better. The memories will be there… and they’ll be tarnished even further. It’s funny how easy is it to destroy stuff on SL. A simple delete and it’s all gone.

To whom it may concern…

I’ve been at your side every day. Have I not been loving enough? Did I not present you with enough adoration? I gave my heart to you in ways I don’t even fully understand… in ways I probably had no business doing. Why wasn’t I enough? Why was I never granted the same display you granted others? You literally told me no to things like that. I guess I’m the fool for being so accepting…